Bob’s Blog

I can’t go to sleep.  Fairly typical at this point it seems. Today was the end of spring break and tomorrow I head back into work. I’m only going to get about 5 hours of sleep it looks like. Oh well.

For the past 7 days, I’ve been stress free and relaxed and have enjoyed life. It’s been a good spring break – really good actually. I didn’t do any grading because I needed a complete break from work. But today, and more specifically, tonight, the stress and anger have returned.

I can’t shake this feeling of frustration and this incident that happened a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, we had a department meeting with our head principle. In this meeting, we were told to express any questions or concerns we had about the year thus far. Of course, at this meeting, our department was fairly pissed because we had to give up one of our lunches and sit with them during their lunch due to a food fight. When the principle asked if we had any questions or concerns, I looked around the room, and we all had the same thing on our minds. The elephant in the room was there it was just a matter of who was going to point it out.

So, I did. And I expressed my concern with the lack of pro-active measures this school has taken; the fact that we had to give up our lunch period in order to babysit students and how these food fights have kept re-occurring (never have I in my life heard of or seen a real food fight), how there is a gross amount of miscommunication between the administration and teachers, how we’re always REACTING instead of being PROACTIVE, and basically everything I’ve ever expressed in this blog.

What happened next was a total shock. I was chewed out.

My suggestion of being “proactive” was shot down. I was lectured as if I was some type of idiot on how food fights “cannot be prevented”, how we “only” have 3 people watching the lunchroom, she mocked other teachers who made the same suggestion, tore down other departments and what they offered as advice, etc.

This is the principle of the school, mind you.

At the end of her 5 minute lecture on why we “can’t” be proactive and how it’s a “silly suggestion”, I was given a very sarcastic and biting “Thank you”.  There was nothing in the way of even suggesting she was entertaining the thought of some changes, or took anybody’s suggestions seriously. (And if that’s the case, why even have these meetings?)

Since then, I’ve been irked. I’ve been irked at her and I’ve been mad at myself.
I’ve given up a lot for this job; more than a lot of other people who currently work there. I sacrificed everything I had and everyone I knew for this. I’ve given up a lot of sleep and put up with a lot of shit for this. I’ve invested myself into this situation;  I’ve bought into this vision of change not only within the school but also the community. I’ve put up with way more than what any teacher should have to put up with – first year or not. I could have easily bowed out back in August, packed my shit and gone back to Cleveland.

I wouldn’t have been the first and definitely not the last.

To be told that being “proactive” is a waste of time and not possible is…disheartening and frustrating. To be treated as if I’m some 15 year old doesn’t help matters much.

You know, when you’re told that being “proactive” in this school can’t happen and there’s not even going to be an effort to entertain the thought…then why the hell should I stay? What incentive have you given me to come back next year? If this is the case, why should I even come in and care at all about my job or this school for the rest of the year? Why should any teacher in this building care about their jobs if the administration is not going to listen to us and at least consider the thought of revamping some policies (or in some cases, actually creating policies)

There is something seriously fundamentally wrong with this school. Down to it’s very core.

Teachers are getting thrown under the bus, have had no support, and have been humiliated in front of their students; I have been no exception to any of this.

As of this writing, there are 49 more days until summer and the end of my first year of teaching. But who’s counting?

I have my scrambled eggs, my toast, and my coffee. I have the Psychedelic Furs playing the background and todays weather calls 73 degrees with not a cloud in the sky, while tomorrow will be close to 80.

It really doesn’t get much better than this.

One thing that has been really remarkable through my first year teaching is the amount of support I’ve received from my friends, family, and even strangers. I don’t get it much inside of the school other than my few teacher friends…but outside of it? It’s quite the opposite and for that, I am grateful and appreciative.

Everyone is sort of amazed on how I handle what I’ve been dealt with. I’ve been asked more times than I can count, “How do you do it? How have you not resigned? How do you continue to put up with this?” and the truth of the matter is, I have no idea. I really have no idea how, or why, I get out of bed each morning for this job. Talking to veteran teachers at this school, they themselves are amazed that a first year teacher is still here when they themselves are on the verge of walking out.

One of my biggest supporters and advice givers has been my co-opt from last year when I was student teaching. My student teaching experience was, without question, one of the best experiences I’ve ever had and it had lit a fire under me for teaching. Over a year later, we still keep in touch every now and then. The other day, after explaining to him some of the things that have been going on lately, he wrote back and I’d like to share some of it with you:

I know that you are feeling burned out and fried right now, but the fact that you are still fighting and that you have not resigned yourself to putting up with this shit tells me that you are in the right profession. The easy thing to do would be to give in and simply play warden to the kids you have in class. The fact that you are still fighting to educate these delinquents says something about you as an educator. My suggestion is to focus on the little victories….

I don’t want to see you spend another year in that school and let them beat you down. You are a great teacher and you are doing the job you were meant to do. I really mean that, you are a born educator….

The bottom line is this, money can always be made, and you will make friends where ever you end up teaching, so if the only reason you are staying on is for money and friends, I don’t know if those are good enough reasons….

There’s a lot of truth in this and in the past day, it’s really made me question a lot of things and why I’m doing what I’m doing.

One thing I like to do is put famous quotes on my desk and tape them down whenever I have a bad day (and trust me, there’s plenty of them) Whenever I look down, I can see something really awesome and inspirational from Napoleon Bonaparte, or Teddy Roosevelt, or even Mike Ditka. It’s something that I like to do and for a brief moment, those quotes inspire me no matter how many times I look at them.

The above email will, without question, be taped down on my desk.

In August, I started my first teaching job. I am a 23 year old high school social studies teacher. From time to time, I’ll share some of the stories from my classroom. I hope to one day keep a set of memoirs on the experience and maybe, just maybe, publish them one day. If you’d like to read all of these stories so far, all you simply have to do is click the “Teaching” tag on the right hand side of the page. Enjoy.

While I was breaking up a fight in the middle of my classroom last week, one of the girls decided that she was going to punch me in the face. And not just once, mind you. But repeatedly. About 5 times to the face, to be exact. Once I got some help, I had another teacher watch my room for a minute to go to the bathroom and collect myself. Luckily, I’m fine and my cute face was not at all damaged.

I spoke to the parents of both kids involved and when I informed one of the parents about me getting punched in the face, she laughed at me.

Neither of the girls will be expelled. Now, mind you this is the second time they have broken into a fight in my classroom and I was punched in the face repeatedly. At just about any other school, you would be expelled for the rest of the year if you ever hit a teacher. In fact, at any other school, one of these girls would’ve been removed from my classroom after the FIRST fight. When one of the parents questioned one of the asst. principles on that very issue, he simply had no answer why they did not remove one of them from my room.

I’m sort of at a loss at this point in the year. I would like to share some good, positive stories about my experiences thus far but the truth of the matter is, they’re very few and far in between. There are kids who I love and who I adore and if I could teach them all day, this would be the perfect job. There are some kids who are absolute sweethearts who somehow make my day a little more bearable, who make the classroom fun at times, and who seem to care about not only their grades and school….but also me and my well-being.
But the fact is, most of the kids I teach don’t care and most of them will drop out.

It also doesn’t help when a parent laughs at you when you get assaulted by a student.

Perhaps it wouldn’t be so funny if I were to press charges on their daughter.

It’s sort of amazing if you think about it. A teacher can get assaulted at this school and nothing of major consequence happens to the student. Another friend of mine was assaulted at the school a few months ago. What happened to the student? One day of in school suspension. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when word of this reached the head principle that the kid was expelled.

But the truth of the matter is this: it should not have to come to that. An assistant principle should be looking out for the well-being and safety of their teachers, and when a teacher gets hurt by a student, they should be removed from the school. Period.  The head principle should not have to intervene and put matters into her own hands in situations like this.

The more I think about this, the angrier I get. For the past few days, I’ve just been at a loss over this.

Over the past few months, I’ve noticed that I’ve been listening to a lot of older rock ‘n roll music. More specifically, AC/DC, early Rolling Stones, Motorhead, etc. Rock with real riffs and ballsy singers singing about one night stands, rock ‘n roll, and mayhem.

I really have no desire to seek out any new music anymore. I’d much rather listen to AC/DC on their worst day than most newer bands on their best. Most new music these days bores me, regardless of genre.

It seems as though most rock music these days is completely devoid of any type of soul, creativity, and ballsy singers and guitars.

Maybe that’s just me getting old though.

Yesterday, I had a girl in the middle of my class trying to cut herself. She at one point was stabbing herself in the neck with a pencil, and then tried to cut her wrists with her compact mirror.

I’m still a bit shaken up over it because it was, without question, the scariest moment of my life. I’m just mentally drained at this point in the year; this year has been relentless and if it’s not one thing, it’s another.

Given the things I have been dealt with up until this point, what else could happen?

I can’t sleep. This happens a lot it seems. I either get too much sleep or simply not enough. It’s either 9-10 hours or 4-5. There’s not a whole lot of in between anymore it seems. Tonight, the frustration has gotten the best of me. I feel like I’m about to just break down. And I think writing would help.

I’ve had a bad week. My stress levels have been off the charts. I’ve become increasingly more frustrated with this school. I think much of the frustration stems from the fact that it’s March and very little has progressed since August. It doesn’t help that I’ve been fighting homesickness, loneliness, women problems, and money issues. Just one giant heap of bullshit, really.

There have been a handful of teachers who have had nervous breakdowns this year. Not just one teacher having one breakdown. But numerous teachers who have them consistently. Perhaps there’s a pattern here. It’s easy to say, “suck it up and show up to work” but when you work in a place where teachers are verbally and physically threatened (and even assaulted in some instances) then maybe we should rethink that.

I sometimes think that ripping the sky down would be much easier than teaching these kids.

As mentioned in my previous entry, the apathy, cheating, laziness, and disregard for all things is really getting to me. Much more than normal. These feelings are up and down and they come in phases. But it wears you out. This whole year has worn me out.

My passion and love for teaching is fading. This is not what I envisioned and no matter how hard I try to make all of this interesting and fun and relevant, I get disrespected and apathy. Teaching high school social studies is not what I want to do with my life, but it’s not something that I would hate doing with the rest of my life if I was in a good situation with decent kids and a decent administration.

I am currently at a position where I have neither. If you’ve been following this since August, I’m sure you’ve noticed that there really hasn’t been any change in the way I feel regarding some administrators and some of the kids.

There’s no teacher input at this school; administrators and principles do things without ever consulting the teachers. If I have to lose another planning period to some asinine and useless training session, I’m going to lose it.

I wore this t-shirt today from the high school I student taught at. I remembered how much fun it was to go in each day and teach. Kids were respectful and maybe they didn’t like me, my style, or social studies in general…at least they cared about their grades and cared enough to do well. That’s more than what I can say for most kids I teach right now. The administration was supportive, and they did their jobs. Teachers were valued and respected.

I come home tired every day; I’m like a zombie most nights. But it’s not a “good tired”; a tired that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something. It’s a “bad tired”; a tired where you feel like you’ve slaved and worked all day for naught.

Famous and prominent educator Harry Wong says that you should not be tired by the end of the day, rather the kids should be tired. Harry Wong never taught in the southern suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia.

I wonder what my purpose is here. My mom tells me there’s a reason why I’m in this situation. God, fate, whatever. There’s a reason why I’m down here, I’m told.

I wonder if I’m making an impact on anybody. It doesn’t feel like it, I can tell you that much. That’s really the worse part of all of this: to dedicate your life and not see results.

It’s March. The light at the end of the tunnel can be seen. There’s roughly about 2 months left of school and it’s summer. Spring break is only 2 weeks away.

But, to be honest? I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I’m tired of fighting the laziness, the apathy, the sleeping in class, the cheating. It’s feeling like it’s too much at this point. The kids don’t care, they never have. And trying to fight it has been a lost battle all year.

Today, I caught a kid stealing my answer key (second time in the same class). He didn’t care, he went about the class period laughing and joking with his friends. That’s the part that kills me: he didn’t care and he didn’t feel like he did anything wrong.

Another kid continually disrupts my already hectic 6th period by just being obnoxious; he goes about and does this by throwing his brush in the air and it falling on the floor, getting up to move across the room to talk to his friends (while I’m lecturing, mind you), banging on my door while in the hall after I sent him out, banging on my walls with his brush, and so on.

I had to give up my lunch period today because some kids caused a food fight last Friday. So what happens? All teachers during our lunch period had to sit with their 4th period class and babysit them. They literally designated tables for us and we all had to sit there with our kids during lunch. The administration gave zero consideration for teachers involved, but hey – what does that matter, right? It’s not like we need that half hour to eat/dewind/work/socialize or anything. Nevermind that I already lose 1 day a week of lunch to do duty anyways.

We’ve had 2 bomb threats called in after school the past 2 days and we’ve had to evacuate the building early. Two days I wanted to spend grading and lesson planning.

One step forward, two steps back. One step forward, two steps back.

I’m just about at the end of my rope with all of this.

You know what’s infuriating? Hillary winning Ohio. We are currently tied up in a 3 trillion dollar war; a war that has produced zero results and is morally reprehensible. We are tied up in Afghanistan and haven’t made the progress we should be making over there.

So, let me ask you this, Ohio: Your state is currently crippled. Thousands upon thousands of jobs have been lost over the years, and the previous Republican governor more or less bankrupted your state. And on top of that, college tuition costs in the state are skyrocketing and graduates are leaving your state because there are no jobs (see: me); the “brain drain”, if you will.

And what do you do? You vote for a woman who approved of this clusterfuck of a war and has more or less approved of this blank check to fund it all. I don’t even want to think about what a fraction of that money could be used for in states like Ohio. You vote for a woman who’s foreign policy is not that different from the Republicans.

It’s insulting and infuriating.

You know what the strategy of Al Qaeda is? It’s to drag us into meaningless situations where we do nothing but waste money; draining and hurting our economy and national morale. This doesn’t take a political scientist to figure out. It’s right there plain as day.

As a native Clevelander, let me just say: Thanks for nothing, Ohio.

Feel free to take the state any time, Canada.